upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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