I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
