I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
