Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
