Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I could make wine with my vomit
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
