he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
