i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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