Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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