i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
