There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
