I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Randomize
