Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
