in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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