Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
