Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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