even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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