I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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