Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
