My balls are so social today.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
