I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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