My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
