My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
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Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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