She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
