i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I have demons in me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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