cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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