He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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