the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
