Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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