i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
