She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
