i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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