Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
