i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
