I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
