my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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