we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize