mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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