I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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