ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
