I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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