I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
