Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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