Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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