I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You ruined the universe
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
