Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
