R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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