Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
