cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
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I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
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Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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