new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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