Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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