I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she smelled like a LAN party
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
