he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.