the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
