Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.