He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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