don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There r osticjed everywhere
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
